Living with Carnivores

A vegetarian human's adventure with cats

Category: Humor

Sit Down

<<The rule is that if you approach the human for a pet and a nuzzle — a necessary thing, to be sure — then you must keep the back end of your body angled away from her hands. Otherwise, being undisciplined, she’ll bend down and scoop you up and hug you. The hug’s no problem, but having feet off floor is definitely an issue. >><<If she slides forward in anticipation of picking you up, you must sit down and do so quickly. That way she can’t get her hand under you. If she tries, you must back away until you are out of reach. When she sits down and acts polite again, you can re-approach her, but be on guard and be prepared to sit down fast if she misbehaves again…and she almost surely will.>>

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

What Kind of Creature is That Anyway?

What is this mysterious creature frequently found casually sprawled all over the house? Is it a cat? A turtle? A mini-orca?  <<Your clue is the smirk!>> 

Ah, it’s a Merkitty.  

<<And, yes, she really lays like that…quite often and for quite some time.>>

Unlike the human, who thinks this is a very interesting way to present oneself, the other cats pay her no mind.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

How Not to Strip a Bed

It’s not just bed making that’s fun in this house, it’s also bed stripping. The human went to change sheets on two beds last week and had loads of help from the Pepster for both jobs. As the human tried to roll and pull the sheets together, he had to jump into the middle of them and spin around. Pretty soon he was wrapped up in the sheets. Then the real fun began. There were lots of cuffy paws that attacked human fingers and hands. See, there really were monsters under the bed. And now they’re on top of the bed and hiding in the bedding.Of course, in between attacks, that silly face reappeared and dared the human to do something about the menace. This position (above) is called “sassy face.” It’s usually accompanied by much chattering. Yes, Pepe does feel good about himself.  Cute behaviors like these are definitely not conducive to getting an early start on the work day.  Ah well, eventually the silly 2-legged did get both beds stripped and remade.  Getting to work early is so overrated anyway.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

The Devil Made Her do It!

So there we were, in the process of getting ready to start our days.  The human was trying to make the bed and the kitties were trying to prevent that. Caesar had been sleeping in the top of the kitty condo beside the bed, but moved over to luxuriate on the soft blankets the human had just smoothed out.  <<So much nicer on the body than blankets with hard wrinkles in them!>>  Meanwhile, the Merkitty was a bit further to the right doing somersaults and being silly.  There’s Caesar in all his dignity, stretched out in sphinx mode, the middle of his body partially covered up with another soft blanket the human had folded back over him, and with that big tail of his twitching out of the other end of the blanket. <<You see where this is going, don’t you?>>  All of a sudden Mac realized there was something moving in her vicinity.  I don’t think she even stopped to think about what it might be, she just went into predator mode and pounced…on Caesar’s beautiful, sensitive tail. When the Merkitty pounces, all her teeth and claws are out. First Caesar flicked the tip of his tail out from between her paws. He looked a bit annoyed, but kept his cool because he’s the Emperor Kitty.  But the Merkitty is never one to back down from a challenge, so she moved and pounced on his tail again, this time pinning it to the bed. That elicited an explosion out from under the covers.  The Big Guy turned around to face the little minx, who tried to con him with that look of innocence…except she never can quite get the look right with that permanent smirk she wears.  Caesar literally “huffed” and left the bed with his dignity in tact.  The Merkitty?  What’s dignity? (Pride? That’s a different matter.)

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

How Not to Make a Bed

The human was trying to make the bed before all the mammals in the house headed downstairs for breakfast. One wily feline kept attacking the bedding every time the human would try to pull a wrinkle out or otherwise straighten the fabric. If he didn’t run, jump, and slide on top of the sheet, he grabbed and kicked it. And then feeling good about himself, he swam across the fabric. We didn’t fare much better with the duvet. A 5 minute job became a 20 minute job, made even longer because the silly human kept taking photos and then laughing…which just egged on the ham-ster.
But honestly, could you keep a straight face during such shenanigans? Eventually the bed monster tired of his actions….And the silly human was allowed to finish her morning chores.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

The Joys of Crackly Paper

Of course, the last 4 or 5 sets of toys the human has brought home for the meows have been given short shrift.  Adorable felt mice, little stuffed toys that looks like beetles (completely with crackly Mylar film to simulate insect carapaces), and several knitted pull toys have proven to be unacceptable fare for the fussy felines. Surprisingly, two items the human has presented the cats have gone over really well:  2 large handled paper bags and a large sheet of craft paper that was included as packing material in a boxed shipment. As you can see here, Pepe claimed the sheet of crackly paper and had a grand time with it, rolling, flipping around from one side to another, and defending his territory when his brother Corky entered the room. While the human’s not sure that Corky actually wanted to get onto the paper, he did settle nearby and watch his brother’s goofy actions. Fortunately, Corky respected Pepe’s boundaries and no kerfuffles ensued. Eventually Corky grew bored and left, and the human stopped taking photos. That meant Pepe was left to his own devices. Without an audience to entertain, he called it a day as well. He’s such a ham!

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

THIS is NOT Kitty Grass!

For weeks, the human’s favorite grocery store had tons of pots of organic wheat grass, so she stopped buying two pots at a time to ensure the kitties had their grass. Now that the weather has turned hot and the indoor plants are back outside for the summer and fall <<Hallelujah!>>, there are no spider plant babies on which to nibble. That means the kitties are alternately grumpy and trying to gnaw on the pathetic-looking kitty grass that’s left — and it’s not looking very good, let me tell you.Last evening the human made her second trip in two days to that store and came home empty handed (as far as kitty grass is concerned).  However, she did find a dandy pot of rosemary for a very good price and picked it up. When the kitties sauntered out to the kitchen to see what the 2-legged was up to and saw her holding a green plant, they got excited and ran over. She set the pot of rosemary down in front of them and all 5 came over and gave it a sniff. Two immediately departed with a disgusted look. <<That’s NOT kitty grass, idiot human. We thought you were a master gardener. Can’t you tell rosemary and wheat grass apart?>> The other 3 were a tad more interested or forgiving and spent more time checking out the greenery. In the end, they all concluded this was not acceptable table fare and walked away. The human will make another visit today, as otherwise punishment of some sort cannot be far away.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

What have we here?

The human was picking up the other morning and noticed that something was sticking out of the track on the side of the upstairs scratching disc. Upon closer inspection, it became obvious that one of the cats had pushed a relatively new catnip-stuffed toy, which hadn’t seen much action, into the track. (Those are Corky’s cute toes in both photos, by the way.)Now why do you suppose they did that? It actually must have taken some work to stuff the toy into the track. And why? They love chasing the ball around the track.  Cats…they truly are such mysteries.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

Meditating with Pepe

The human sets her alarm to go off early in the morning. That gives her time to wake up, catch up on email and news, and then meditate for 30-40 minutes before she has to get up and attend to morning duties. It’s a nice way to start the day.However, some mornings Pepe has other ideas. First he climbs up the human and alternately licks her chin and touches her face with his paws. <<Focus on the breath, focus on the breath…>>If that doesn’t catch her attention, then he begins digging vigorously on the blankets she’s wrapped in searching for….what? This is Pepe in full brat mode.If she manages not to laugh and break her focus, he then hops off her and starts burrowing like a mole under the blankets by her side.  If she wiggles her fingers while trying to remove a hand to pet him, he pounces for all he’s worth and attacks the menace under the blankets.  By then, the human has wisely concluded that meditation is over for the day.

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.

Waking up the Lazy Human

The lazy human plays snooze alarm way too many mornings!  She grabs her alarm clock and puts it under her blankets or pillow, then curls up and goes back to sleep.  When the alarm continues to go off, she just keeps hitting that annoying button.  Fear not, for we’ve found a way to make her get up and stay up.  It’s well worth the effort to wake her as not only does that get us food and fresh water, but it gets our litter boxes cleaned as well. We even take turns and split up the duties.If the human is laying on her back, then Mac saunters over, sits on her chest and rolls around making sure to dig her nails into every surface possible.  Her sharp claws can penetrate through 4 layers of blankets. If that doesn’t work, then Pepe leaps and lands on her bladder with his 18 pounds. <<OOOFFFF!>> If she anticipates his arrival by tenting her knees, he scales her limbs and hangs off or he climbs onto her chest and sticks his furry face and whiskers really close to her face.  Caesar shortly arrives and head bumps her arm and shoulder.  Sometimes he licks her hands because he knows it tickles. (That’s his revenge for all the times she touches is paws!)If the human is laying on her side curled up in a pathetic little ball, then Corky or Pepe hops onto her hip and stretches out on her until her leg cramps.  Meantime, Mac attacks her on her pillow by wrapping her furry tummy around the human’s head and face. It’s important to bury the human’s nose and mouth in cat fur, as that usually gets her sniffling and sneezing. Imagine, she’s allergic to us!  Sometimes Fireball balances on her shoulder while all this is going on or brings her a toy mouse. And Caesar does the arm-licking thing on any exposed skin.  Mornings are so much fun in this house!

 

(c) Copyright 2017, PeggyMalnati. All rights reserved. Photos my own.